How to paint a room like a complete amateur 

A step-by-step guide on how to completely screw up a room that you’ve spontaneously decided to paint

What you’ll need to get started:

• Absolutely zero knowledge or experience

Besides that one time you helped your sister paint her nursery bright yellow which gave you a completely false idea of how painting a room will actually go ( my sister had already filled holes and laid Polly, and the yellow took one simple coat between two people.)

•Not enough paint

You’ll want to only get one can when in reality you’re going to need to send your significant other back to Rona to get another for you when you run out

I used paint specifically meant for children’s rooms. It’s supposed to be easier to wash and let’s face it, with painting a three year olds room white I need all the help I can get

•An old used paint roller

Try and dig through your old used painting supplies to find a roller that’s seen better days. I’m talking dusty and dried up.

•do not buy primer

This step is important if you really want to paint like an amateur. Why do one coat when you can do four?

•An old brush and paint tray 

•Half dried up spackle and a putty knife 

•A huge roll of Polly

Don’t bother buying the correct amount of Polly, just go ahead and waste your money on more Polly then you’ll ever need in your entire lifetime.

•Coffee (for starting off)

•More coffee (for during)

•A bottle of cheap red wine (for after you completely screw this up) 

A cute outfit to make you feel like your dressed for the occasion 

You can skip this step if you like, but personally it was a pretty big confidence booster for me to be dressed up in my oldest ripped up jeans and a plaid shirt.
Okay now pour yourself a cup of coffee and let’s get started!!

Step One: Forget everything you know about painting a room

Let’s really just wipe the slate clean here. You’ve probably heard a million tips and tricks on how to properly paint a room and you’re just going to want to forget it all. This creates space for stupid mistakes and time consuming confusion along the way.

Step two: Let your toddler help you Polly the floors

I really like this step because it turns a 15 minute task into a full hour. You’ll have to keep tearing off pieces of tape for your little one to stick directly onto the carpet or the doors/walls. Also the nice part about it is that every time you successfully tape a piece to the baseboard, your toddler will come running by and rip it all off.

Step three: Let your toddler help you fill the holes with spackle

Again, really prolonging the process and further shortening your patience. You’ll probably want to go pour another cup of coffee at this point

Step four: Bring your toddler to daycare:

Feel free to skip this step if you’re brave/dumb enough to paint a room with a three year old, but I sure wasn’t.

Step five: Begin the painting!

Use your old shi*** brush to make your cut ins. Instead of making one smooth line along the baseboards/ trim you’re going to want to make a hundred little swipes downward. This is a nice time consuming and visually un-appealing way to do things. After the first coat has dried you’ll realize this, go back and attempt to fix it, it won’t work, and it’ll look all sorts of messed up. Nice one. You’re doing greeeaaaat.

Step six: Get rolling

Once your done the crappy trim job you’re ready to bust out that dusty roller and start making up for lost time! Just rush on through and don’t worry about putting a nice even coat on- doing so will only make the paint look good when it dries and that’s not the effect we are going for.

Step seven: more coffee more paint

Pour another cup of coffee and apply a second coat. Now this will use up the last of your paint so you may way to keep that bottle of wine close by because you’re about to have to call your hubby and ask him to pick up another can of paint

Step eight: Apply a third coat of paint and give up entirely

Step nine: This is when you start pouring the wine and for a few good reasons.

Not only will it help with the anger and frustration you will feel when you step back to look at the room and realize just how awful it really looks, but it will help with the pain in your arms and shoulders that you are sure to experience after a full day of painting. You’re probably going to want to finish off that bottle because it will help with what’s coming next.

Step ten: The tour of shame

Now, enter the boyfriend.. When you are all finished up he is sure to come in with his hands on his hips and do a full walk through of the room, inspecting every nook and cranny. Just stand in the corner and wait like a guilty puppy dog. He’s probably going to say something along the lines of “that’s three coats?” This is a perfect opportunity for you to play it dumb like it was entirety the paints fault (even tho you opted for the more expensive stuff that claims to only need one coat.)

And you’re done!!! Congratulations you successfully screwed up a simple white paint job! Until next time!

-Sydney Lynn

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